Diary of a Honkaholic
One of my students at LA City College wrote this essay in my English 28 class this spring. I loved it so much I asked him if I could post it here. I hope you (whoever you are) will enjoy it as much as I have!
Diary of a Honkaholic By Matt Lund
I never knew the potential anxiety driving a car could induce until I moved to Los Angeles. Coming from the suburbs of Orange, California, where safety and courtesy are always priority when behind the wheel, I thought I was in a fantasy (or should I say nightmare) land where traffic rules and regulations do not exist. Having been a resident in Los Angeles for just over 7 years now, I have noticed certain changes, not only in my driving habits but also in my anxiety and stress levels. I am a Los Angeles Driver.
I am a Los Angeles Driver: I am always in a hurry. I swerve into the next lane when the car in front of me is stopping to make a left hand turn, and I don’t even check my mirrors first. I change lanes up to four or five times on the same block because I think it will get me to my destination faster. I use the carpool lane when I am alone to bypass the line of cars waiting at the onramp light. I peel out when pulling out of my drive way. When stopping at a red light, I get as close as possible to the car in front of me so I am that much closer to my destination. I always exceed the speed limit. I don’t know what a school zone is. Even when I am not running late or in a hurry, I still exhibit unsafe driving habits because I am anxious to get off the road.
I am a Los Angeles Driver: my horn can be an extremely useful tool to communicate the magnitude of the mistake you’ve just made. I will honk at you for making a right turn on a street without a right turn lane, even if it’s legal. I will honk at you for a fleeting pause when the light turns green to remind you that green means go. I will honk at you if your lane ends and you try to merge in front of me. I will really lay on my horn if you get stuck at a red light in the middle of the intersection, blocking me from moving forward, even though there is nowhere for you to move to.
I am a Los Angeles driver: Nobody is allowed to honk at me because I am a perfect driver. If you honk at me, you will receive the bird from my left hand. Sometimes I will yell profanities at you to remind you of my superior driving abilities.
I am a Los Angeles driver: I hate pedestrians. Pedestrians crossing the street do nothing but cause me to miss my left turn light. The homeless are the worst. They are slow, smelly and in no hurry to get across the street and out of my way. Don’t even get me started on bicyclists. Bicyclists take up the majority of the road and move slower than a school zone speed limit. They think they can take up an entire lane like they are a car. They forget that my vehicle weighs about fifty times more than their bicycles. The right of way belongs to me and me alone.
As a Los Angeles Driver, I drive even when I am in the passenger seat. I will tell the actual driver when someone a quarter of a mile away starts to brake, because I know they don’t see them. I will lean forward to check the rear view mirror when the driver is changing lanes to make sure the lane is clear. I will remind the driver to stay within the speed restrictions, even though I never do. I will tell the driver not to check their cell phone while driving, even though I always do. I will tell the driver which way to go because my route is the shortest, fastest way with the least amount of traffic. I’m the only one who knows the directions.
Now that I am a Los Angeles Driver, my anxiety has skyrocketed while my sanity has vanished. I am prone to traffic violations when I visit home or any other semi suburban neighborhood because I forget I’m not in the parking lot-like streets of Los Angeles. My family will not ride with me because they do not feel safe while I’m driving. Some say I resemble The Incredible Hulk when I get behind the wheel of a car. It requires a personality change as well as a lifestyle change when deciding to drive in Los Angeles. So, think twice before doing so. Once you become a Los Angeles driver, there is no turning back.
Diary of a Honkaholic By Matt Lund
I never knew the potential anxiety driving a car could induce until I moved to Los Angeles. Coming from the suburbs of Orange, California, where safety and courtesy are always priority when behind the wheel, I thought I was in a fantasy (or should I say nightmare) land where traffic rules and regulations do not exist. Having been a resident in Los Angeles for just over 7 years now, I have noticed certain changes, not only in my driving habits but also in my anxiety and stress levels. I am a Los Angeles Driver.
I am a Los Angeles Driver: I am always in a hurry. I swerve into the next lane when the car in front of me is stopping to make a left hand turn, and I don’t even check my mirrors first. I change lanes up to four or five times on the same block because I think it will get me to my destination faster. I use the carpool lane when I am alone to bypass the line of cars waiting at the onramp light. I peel out when pulling out of my drive way. When stopping at a red light, I get as close as possible to the car in front of me so I am that much closer to my destination. I always exceed the speed limit. I don’t know what a school zone is. Even when I am not running late or in a hurry, I still exhibit unsafe driving habits because I am anxious to get off the road.
I am a Los Angeles Driver: my horn can be an extremely useful tool to communicate the magnitude of the mistake you’ve just made. I will honk at you for making a right turn on a street without a right turn lane, even if it’s legal. I will honk at you for a fleeting pause when the light turns green to remind you that green means go. I will honk at you if your lane ends and you try to merge in front of me. I will really lay on my horn if you get stuck at a red light in the middle of the intersection, blocking me from moving forward, even though there is nowhere for you to move to.
I am a Los Angeles driver: Nobody is allowed to honk at me because I am a perfect driver. If you honk at me, you will receive the bird from my left hand. Sometimes I will yell profanities at you to remind you of my superior driving abilities.
I am a Los Angeles driver: I hate pedestrians. Pedestrians crossing the street do nothing but cause me to miss my left turn light. The homeless are the worst. They are slow, smelly and in no hurry to get across the street and out of my way. Don’t even get me started on bicyclists. Bicyclists take up the majority of the road and move slower than a school zone speed limit. They think they can take up an entire lane like they are a car. They forget that my vehicle weighs about fifty times more than their bicycles. The right of way belongs to me and me alone.
As a Los Angeles Driver, I drive even when I am in the passenger seat. I will tell the actual driver when someone a quarter of a mile away starts to brake, because I know they don’t see them. I will lean forward to check the rear view mirror when the driver is changing lanes to make sure the lane is clear. I will remind the driver to stay within the speed restrictions, even though I never do. I will tell the driver not to check their cell phone while driving, even though I always do. I will tell the driver which way to go because my route is the shortest, fastest way with the least amount of traffic. I’m the only one who knows the directions.
Now that I am a Los Angeles Driver, my anxiety has skyrocketed while my sanity has vanished. I am prone to traffic violations when I visit home or any other semi suburban neighborhood because I forget I’m not in the parking lot-like streets of Los Angeles. My family will not ride with me because they do not feel safe while I’m driving. Some say I resemble The Incredible Hulk when I get behind the wheel of a car. It requires a personality change as well as a lifestyle change when deciding to drive in Los Angeles. So, think twice before doing so. Once you become a Los Angeles driver, there is no turning back.
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